Healing means baring it all

Arriving back to Knotty Pine Farm felt a bit like coming home. I had friends here and knew the territory. Since I left, Biscuit had birthed 11 piglets, so the very first order of business was to go see them. There were only 9 piglets left because she had managed to lie down on 2, killing them. This is not unusual for pigs. The piglets were tiny and always on the move. If you were to blur your eyes a bit, they seemed to move in a wave as one amoeba shaped being.

Second on the agenda was to check out the 20 or so chicks that had been incubated from eggs from the chickens. They also moved as one--one moment chirping and puffed up and the next deflating down into a pile of fluff while they slept. After that, I inspected the garden. The lettuce and herbs that I had planted with Lani from seed had come up! Planting seeds was a nerve wracking experience. Lani had the front line of responsibility and we both were enormously relieved that the seeds had sprouted.

It was great to be back on the farm. At Knotty Pine Farm, there is never a dull moment. Floyd, Kim, and their 3 children, Maddie, Jackson, and Grace lead busy lives and we Wwoofers, Lani, I and Erica, added to that equation.

Dinners in the evening were delicious, lively and fun affairs usually followed by a game. I never knew there were so many possible variations to bingo! Later in the week, I was whooped by Floyd and Grace in a game called Rummy Cube. I realized that quite possibly these months on the road have addled my brain. Even the simplest words were beginning to escape me, much less mathematical equations. Somewhere, the seed was planted deep inside me: It might be useful to do some brain challenging work soon to exercise those muscles.

Floyd suggested that Kim do a healing session the next day with each of us. Because Lani and I had received an energization only 3 weeks before, it was decided that this session be a "channeling" of our spirit guides with messages to each of us. While our farm work is important, Kim and Floyd are equally interested in the healing aspects of working with nature, animals, and devoting free time to meditation and creative pursuits. Ultimately, the dream is to weave these together to provide people a place to come and heal. In fact, this is already happening. Lani has been thriving at KPF and had decided to extend her stay.

The next day, each of us had a one on one session with Kim. While there were many messages shared, Lani and I had some commonalities, including the counsel to dance and have more fun. Like many, the grind of life, survival, disappointment and stress has taken its toll on me. The session helped me to remember the fun loving, even a bit wild, self that I used to be in my younger days. Getting in touch with that self has great appeal to me and there is no time like the present. So, the next day, after a hot and hard morning in the garden, I announced that I was going to skinny dip in the pond. Truthfully, I was a bit wary of the cold water and possibility of creatures, but I strode down to the dock boldly and apparently convincingly as I stripped off my clothes. Lani, who was willing to swim, but only with a bathing suit, was suddenly by my side stripping off her clothes. Thankfully, she was the first in, and once I saw that she was unharmed by turtles, monsters and what not, I followed screaming like a wild woman under attack. It wasn't dancing, but in our minds, it met the requirement.

There is something a bit miraculous about life, when you are open to it, I believe. I've never lost the ability to appreciate magic as it manifests in my life even in my darkest hour. What is new to me, I realize, is the canvas. Here I was, enjoying a hot afternoon with two women that felt like old friends on a farm with people that felt like family. Only a matter of weeks ago, I did not know any of them.

Later, when Floyd commented on this, I told him the truth: "It feels completely natural". This, I realize, can be the power of community when it is provided the space to blossom and tended with intention and love.





He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.
He who strides forward does not go.
He who shows himself is not luminous.
He who justifies himself is not prominent.
He who boasts of himself is not
given credit.

Moving to distant cities, or not

When visiting small cities, I try to imagine what it would be like to live there. I'm open to relocating, so this exploration is done with a level of seriousness. A friend had recommended Mobile to me, so I was particularly interested in what it might offer. The city is very small and therefore easy to navigate. The downtown area featured only a few tall buildings and a working port area. Downtown was linked to Mobile's main historic neighborhood, Oakleigh Garden, by a main street lined with businesses, including restaurants, bars, boutiques, and a fine used bookstore. There were also a number of well maintained park areas. Many of the historic buildings, mostly 2 storied, featured balconies with living or office spaces on the second level. The buildings, even the ones that were not being used, we're in good condition.

Stacy and I were thrilled to come upon a cafe that was across the street from a park. The restaurant had tables across the street along the sidewalk on the park side reminding me of the cafes in Europe. But what stood out more than anything was the service. No matter where we went, the people were friendly, beaming smiles and offering assistance. They seemed to thrive when we asked them endless questions about real estate, employment, places to check out, and the pros and cons of living in Mobile.

As a real estate junkie, I was most excited about our walk through Oakleigh. The streets were lined with adorable historic cottages and gardens with just the right amount of imperfection (no step-ford wives here!). And, at just the right time, after walking in the rapidly warming day, we came upon a fabulous neighborhood watering hole with decent food. The next evening, we returned to hear some live music.

In the end, I realized that Mobile would not likely become home for me. It is true that I could buy an adorable cottage in an amazing neighborhood, have a lush garden year round, and walk to downtown. But there was the "so what" factor. If there is one thing that I've learned on this journey, it is this: It is not about the real estate, the climate,or the job. The issues that I struggled with in Baltimore would simply duplicate themselves in Mobile.

Stacy and I discussed this at length. I'm convinced that there is a tremendous market of people feeling the same vague discontent with their lives, not to be confused with everybody, because it is dependent on many factors, including life stage and the presence of institutional structures such as religion, marriage, and culture.

Yet I am an American, able bodied, have a family, and have friends, and I would be the first to say that the "norm" is no longer working for me. And after spending a mere 3 months on the road I suspect that it will never work for me.

A part of this journey is about finding the alternatives. For now, I can cross home buying in a distant city off the list.

Sweet Home Alabama: Does Your Conscience Bother You?"

I had to go north to begin to experience the deep south. First stop after Coldwater Gardens was Mobile, Alabama. My friend Stacy suggested that we meet there--she would fly in from Baltimore and I would drive 2 hours northwest. I agreed under one condition: we would camp in a state park just outside the city. With my renewed appreciation of camping and my limited budget, this was an easy call.

I decided to go to the campground to pitch the tent before picking up Stacy from the airport. That way, if we decided to go out on the town, we could just unroll our sleeping bags and go to sleep. Meagher State Park was not particularly charming, but our campsite featured a waterview slightly obstructed by a chain link fence, offered the soothing noise of interstate traffic across the waterway, and had large overhead lights that could be confused with moonlight from within the tent. We were in the "primitive" section, which was about a tenth the size of the RV section and it appeared to be fully occupied. The only other primitive camper around was my immediate neighbor. He was rather attractive from a distance, but upon closer examination, he had a strange, but non- threatening look about him. I discussed with him our lack of a picnic table, grill and obvious camping spot, and he seemed rather alarmed at the notion of sharing his trappings. In a defensive rather than helpful mode, he went to the park manager and persuaded him to deliver me my own picnic table. By that time, I was locked in a battle of wills with my tent and I did not even notice its arrival.

I love to camp, but none of my friends do. And my past romantic relationships did not either. Every time I would question the viability of a relationship, number 1 on the "con" list would be: "does not like camping!" Even Stacy, who had presented herself to me some time ago as a potential camping partner, had seemed slightly hesitant in her response: "I'll try it." I ignored the potential implications of that and made the reservations. As it turned out, she took to camping very well. Upon noticing our attractive-from-a-distance neighbor, she announced, "I like camping". Excellent. Happily, I waved at him and pointed to our picnic table flashing him a big smile of gratitude. Of course, camping in this case came with a heated and very clean bathhouse, perfect weather, and meals out in nice restaurants. What's not to like?

On our first evening, we found our way to an art walk in Fairhope, AL, a nearby town that featured a perfectly groomed entry road lined with American flags. The town was quite charming with its perfectly renovated historic cottages, main street lined with mom and pop businesses, manicured city park overlooking the bay, and an absolutely impeccable urban infrastructure. Stacy and I could not help but to note this town's somewhat "step-ford wives" vibe, but it seems a bit unfair to accuse towns that have been lovingly maintained as "step-ford". Lack of trash, peeling paint, and buckled sidewalks should not be regarded with suspicion. But this is exactly what I do.

We leisurely strolled down to the municipal park overlooking the bay for the perfect sunset that was unfolding that evening and were startled to read the inscription on the monument that was its centerpiece. "Capital: The primary tool in the production of all wealth", by Henry George. And underneath that: "Taxes applied to capital destroy this tool of production". As I walked back to Main Street on the perfect sidewalks, I contemplated this and more.

Later, while the crowd at the bar went wild over"Sweet Home Alabama", Leonard Skynyrd's  answer to Neil Young's "Southern Man", I realized how hearing that song in Alabama gave it new meaning.

The beauty of traveling is that one can step outside of the familiar and experience the mundane anew. One's prior experiences are suddenly displayed on a larger canvas and given new context. The truth is, I, like Neil Young, have judged the South from afar.

With 3 weeks of farming in Alabama and Georgia ahead, I could not have been more excited to get going.

Adapting, longing and homesickness...

I never know when a party will break out. A party can be a dinner together, an evening around the bonfire, or a late night gathering on Juan's porch. at CWG, parties have a way of emerging out of thin air and the term "party" is used loosely. The main commonality would be the appreciation of one another's presence--the pure pleasure of connection through food, fire, and conversation.

I was disappointed that CWG does not have organized daily communal meals. For me, the communal meal is the lynchpin of the experience of communal living. Without the daily gathering, the community lacked coherence for me at first. I was confused about how to gain access to a group that had already formed social bonds. Working and living together was not enough. When dinnertime arrived, I found myself floundering, irritated that I had to cook and envious of the couples that shared their meals. The solidarity of my meal seemed to punctuate my being single and traveling alone. Suddenly, I found myself wanting a partner in crime--someone to share the trials, tribulations, and hopefully, joys of this arrangement.

After a while, I realized that there is a strong culture of independence reigning at CWG, one that facilitates creativity while maintaining enough structure that order is preserved. As a result, interns and staff work hard throwing their souls into what they are doing and new projects emerge in a co-creative fashion. The formula, which may or may not be accidental, seems to work. Many of the interns have ended up staying and some have been hired.

The end result is rich conversations over the labor--people who have gathered for the love of the work and a sense of shared values.

It was after my last night at CWG, after I felt my first pangs of homesickness since I've been traveling, that I realized that I have crossed some sort of line. Because the homesickness was not for my old life or my hometown Baltimore, or my friends or family. I was surprised to feel longing for CWG, my tent, my outdoor kitchen, my conversations with Claire, the sunsets over the peanut field and Pine forests, and the sound of laughter and jazz through the woods. I was tested, I survived, and I miss it.

Composting and spinning straw into gold

One of my first tasks at my new farm, Coldwater Gardens, was to thin carrots and beets. Who knew that thinning baby plants could be stressful? I found myself in angst as I had to decide which plants would live to see another day and which would become chicken treats. That day, I worked alongside Claire, a 35 year old woman traveling with her significant other, Pete. At CWG, there are a lot of couples. This took me by surprise at first and I found it hard to break into the rhythms. That, combined with the fact that we are camping, we prepare our own meals--largely non communally, and it has been unseasonably cold (really cold!!) made my first week a week of adjusting. And for that reason, I went into Pensacola for a martini and a steak one evening on my own just so I could feel normal. Or as close to normal as I could get given my farmer clothes and wild hair in the midst of decked out southern hotties.

Gardening can be tedious work, which I don't mind in the least. Claire said it best that day as she looked at me with uncertainty in her eyes as she watched me assessing the workload, "it's good to have an interior landscape that is really rich". Because my interior landscape can veer toward being too rich, I moved one step closer to being a happy farmer, but I spared Claire the details of my thoughts on that. Our relationship was too new. Tomorrow, maybe.

Coldwater Gardens aspires to be an agricultural tourism/eco resort that will provide tents on platforms or cool, off the grid cabins, for its visitors when it opens next year. As a result, there are a number of interesting projects in the works, including aquaponics, mushroom cultivation, greenhouses, fruit trees, bees, chickens, quail, composting, worm farming and nature trails all on 350 acres, part of which fronts the clear and beautiful Coldwater Creek. From an intern's point of view, CWG is an excellent place to be because of the diversity of activities it's educationally oriented mission. Work days have been punctuated with salve making, bread making and mushroom cultivation workshops, a nature walk, yoga and a stretching/sharing break. But truthfully, I can find even the mundane interesting. For example, I never knew how to harvest lettuce leaves (and how speedily they grow back), how to build a worm bed, or how to make a hot composting pile. At the moment, I'm madly in love with composting and worms. The creation of worm castings is a magical act to behold. There is something incredibly satisfying about processing waste into the finest fertilizer money could ever buy, like spinning straw into gold.

If it were not for the weather, this place could almost pass for a paradise. I came to Florida for the warm, knowing of course, that the northern part could still be chilly. But this spring has been fiercely cold and living in a tent when it is 25 degrees is no picnic. It has taken me a full week and a half to figure out the many things I must do to keep the chill at bay at night. As it turns out, my sleeping bag is not cold weather worthy, inevitably the wood-stove will go out, and arctic blasts hit at precisely 5 am through the bottom of the cot. Now, I wear two pairs of leggings, several shirts, a wool sweater, socks, and a wool hat to bed each night. Dressing in the morning is excruciating and I've perfected the art of wearing my sleepwear to work just to avoid bare skin touching the air. Luckily, anything goes in that regard around here--a kid's fantasy.

But once that warming sunshine hits, the days take on a whole new meaning as the hours pass with ease outside. I realize that there is little to miss from my old existence. And then the fun begins as I think about the things that I do miss, surprising myself at the answers. I guess I'm learning how to compost.

Exhaustion, restoration and mini miracles

Life has a way of changing in a minute. Especially when you are traveling. After extending my time at Serenity Acres, I found myself getting dangerously close to burning out. The rugged schedule of 10-12 hour days was tough enough, but what was more difficult was the sheer length of the days. After ascertaining that two eight hour days would not be acceptable, I left 2 days sooner than expected. My overall experience was quite positive, but I realized that the Wwoofing experience can vary dramatically from farm to farm, and in the future, I will be avoiding farms that require more than 40 hours per week.

I had two free days and after an invitation from Lani, I headed north to a farm one hour outside of Atlanta in an old railroad town, called Maysville, that looked as if it had stopped in time. It was the sort of town that makes my imagination go wild as I pictured the old historic homes renovated, the gardens planted, and the streets full of life as they once must have been. There are countless towns like this, places that have few options for a revived economy, unless they are gentrified as tourist hot spots. Later, when Lani and I ate in the Maysville Saloon, a lovingly restored historic building that featured simple food and live music, it was less of a stretch for me to imagine a future for this town, despite the fact that the "saloon" was unable to serve alcohol. Such is life in the bible belt. I can pick up wine and beer at the gas station, but I can't order a glass with my meal at a restaurant.

Knotty Pine Farms is a beautiful, even magical, property of undulating hills, acorn trees, a raised-bed organic garden, horse and pig pastures, a large pond, a main house and a storybook 2 bedroom cabin. I couldn't believe my good fortune! (Yes, as it turns out, I still enjoy the good life). In no time, we had the fire roaring and were catching up over dinner and wine. That night I fell asleep within eye view of the dying fire, in a beautiful bed nestled into an alcove, listening to ducks and passing trains while reflecting on how closing one door to something that did not serve me allowed this one to open.

The owners, Floyd and Kim, have a strong vision for Knotty Pine Farms. They are currently raising food for themselves and selling the meat of their heritage hogs (while maintaining a commercial real estate business), but the real goal is to turn the farm into a healing/retreat center. Kim is a hands on energy healer and uses a process called "energization". Generously, she offered me a healing session that we squeezed in just before I left on Saturday morning. It was a session unlike any that I've had before and I felt empowered, clearer, more focused, and stronger afterwards. Kim assured me that the effects will continue over the course of the next month.

After a full day of work planting potatoes, onions, carrots, lettuce, dill, cilantro, basil, and more, Lani and I sat on the porch with Floyd swapping stories and perspectives. On the way up, I had seen a Georgia Department of Transportation truck spraying weed killer on the highway. This was an incredibly disturbing site to see and I mentioned this to Floyd. Floyd acknowledged how challenging it is living in a conservative region having embraced a eco-sensitive lifestyle. The town of Maysville stopped their recycling program because it was not well received.

Our conversations covered a lot of ground and Floyd clearly wanted to talk about things we shared, but also, perhaps the things that we don't share. As he talked about his desire to move beyond polarization (as a nation) into healthy dialogue, I felt moved and deeply appreciative of him, Kim, and their family. It was abundantly clear to me that the farm is about so much more than farming. It is about healing in its highest forms and both Lani and I were benefitting from their vision and actions.

All good things must morph, so after my healing session with Kim, I gathered my things to hit the road. But not before Floyd handed me a jar of homemade granola and a blue marble. The marble, he said, is something he cannot explain until I come back.

So, I guess it's settled then.

Living communally and intentionally

One of the attractions to Wwoofing was to try my hand at living communally. I've always been attracted to the notion of intentional communities and communal living, despite my very traditional, nuclear family upbringing. Early in my marriage, my former husband and I explored co-housing. At that time, it was very popular in Scandinavia and was just beginning to arrive in California. It turned out to be more than we could figure out--we were in our twenties and the notion of securing property and developing it overwhelmed us. So, I spent my child rearing adult years living in a more traditional setting, even after my divorce.

I enjoy solitude, crave it even. But I'm also a social being. I enjoy company, particularly the kind of company that I can choose to enjoy or choose to ignore, depending on my mood. I have found communal living to be as rewarding as I had hoped. We share evening meals and each one of us takes a turn preparing the meal. Breakfast and lunch are on our own, but generally, the interns gather informally for those meals as well. There are many advantages to this arrangement. For one, I find the gathering as a "family" to be very nourishing. During that meal, we acknowledge one another in a really basic level. And while prayer before a meal is not a practice of mine, it is the custom in this household. I find myself enjoying that moment when we hold hands and Wayne or Julia give thanks for a litany of things including the hands that prepared the meal. On a practical level, I'm appreciative that I can count on others to share meal preparation, which frequently can be an opportunity for someone to try their hand at either creating or eating a new dish.

As an empty nester and a single person, I was concerned about a solitary lifestyle and the road ahead. Despite my many friends and extended family, my future was beginning to shape up as evenings out in restaurants, bars, or solitary evenings home. I had perfected the art of going out alone--to the movies, to dine or to certain "safe" bars. But all of this left me wanting. On all levels, it was not a healthy lifestyle.

On the farm, all of this gets turned upside down. Going out is not an option. (Although we did go to the local beer only/pool hall/juke box place called Betty's once). In this arrangement, all chores are shared, dinners are homemade and family style, we share living space intimately (there are 4 people in my bedroom), and socializing is always an option. At the same time, opting out for solitary time is easy to do and something that I do frequently.

I worried that my conversations would be superficial due to the transitory nature of the arrangement. This has not been the case. In fact, the transitory nature of the relationships may give rise to a type of intimacy that is enabled by the fact that there are no social obligations to one another. Whatever the reason, I have had some incredibly touching conversations with people here--the kind of conversations that can change the course of one's life ever so slightly. Perhaps this is what intentional community is all about.